What makes a happy marriage?

Nedra and I attended our daughter’s wedding on the beach at the Fort Pierce, Florida, state park.  It was a lovely setting and I was asked to give a blessing to Erica and her husband, Dwayne Morrell.  It was a second marriage for both.  I too had experienced a failed first marriage but with Nedra it has been 55 years of happy marriage and it is still a pleasure to be together. I decided to share what makes a happy marriage and I told the newly wedded Mr. and Mrs. Dwayne and Erica Morrell that is what we learned in our 55 years of being Mr. and Mrs. Elof and Nedra Carlson:

1.       Know that you have common interests that drew you together and let these be a permanent bond you share and enjoy.
2.       Recognize that you also have different interests and learn to respect these because no two people should or can think and experience life alike.  The world is filled with the ideas and contributions of billions of others and we can often learn from those differences.
3.       Learn to sort out the household activities.  I pay the bills; Nedra does the cleaning of laundry and the rooms. We both take turns cooking and shopping. In times of need we pinch hit.
4.       Help other people.  We both find satisfaction and meaning in life when we help causes we believe in and individuals in need.
5.       Appreciate each other’s talents and skills and cheer for each other’s successes.  Encourage each other for your failures or struggles.
6.       Learn to sublimate your discontents and turn disappointments into creative acts and works that benefit others.
7.       Be each other’s confidante and don’t be afraid to express what dispirits you and what your innermost hopes and fears are.

Nedra and I differ in our experiences and talents but we share many of the values expressed in these guidelines.  I admire her gifts in sewing, especially quilt-making. She admires my capacity to write almost effortlessly.  We both love the life sciences with her direction leading to a career in in vitro fertilization and mine leading to a career as a geneticist.  We both have a capacity to be flexible.  I am less secure than Nedra in social settings. Nedra is less secure than I when asked to give a talk in front of an audience.  We still hold hands and tell each other “I love you.” 

Life Lines 28

FIFTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND WE STILL HOLD HANDS




Nedra and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary on March 28, 2009. We will actually have a family celebration some time this summer in Ocean Grove, New Jersey so that all five of our children and all twelve of our grandchildren can attend. I met Nedra at Indiana University. She was finishing her senior year as a biology major and I was finishing my PhD in genetics. I was looking for a three-cent stamp to mail a letter and it was 2AM. I learned there was a student working in the embryology laboratory and I knocked on the door. A somewhat frightened undergrad answered. I prepared a cup of tea for her and looked at the preparations she was making under her microscope. She and her parents had reason to worry. I was recently divorced and the father of a two year old child. I learned that Nedra’s family came from pioneers who arrived in Indiana in the 1830s after moving west from Ohio and earlier Pennsylvania. Her ancestors on both sides had fought in the Revolutionary War. I was a Brooklyn boy, my father an immigrant from Sweden and my mother a first generation American whose parents came from central Europe (now part of Ukraine).

We were married in Indiana after a year’s courtship where I was teaching in Kingston, Canada and Nedra was working for a biological supply house in Chicago. For fifty years we have admired each other’s talents. I was impressed when we first began dating that Nedra cooked me a birthday cake. I was impressed that she could make all our children’s clothing. As our family grew so did our activities. Nedra was active in voter registration in Los Angeles when I taught at UCLA. She began making toys and sold them for several years at Gallery North. She shifted to volunteering at the University Hospital and became a cytogenetic technician for ten years. Then she shifted to in vitro fertilization and worked at Mather Hospital helping to put together 3000 babies. She said she made a village. While working and raising a family she also kept up her passion for quilting, organizing and helping to make raffle quilts for the Unitarian Fellowship 1890s Annual Fair and for the Smithtown Stitchers. I have always admired how Nedra can look at fabric and see a gown, vest, pillow, baby quilt, or wall hanging. She is a world-class quilter, having one of her quilts exhibited at Quilt National, in Ohio. Both of us have similar personalities. We rarely get angry. We tolerate disappointment and never let it fester. We share things. Nedra is my confidant. Both of us get great pleasure helping others. We both grew up in the Depression and knew how to live during hard times. Both of us treasure knowledge more than riches and encourage each other in our projects.

Fifty years goes fast in a busy and loving household. Our children grew up in a household that celebrates creativity, learning, and caring. In our old age, we encourage each other through the pains of arthritis and the limits on our capacities to what we once managed with ease. We laugh as we unkink our stubborn limbs and backs that have lost their flexibility. We are both fortunate that our minds are still agile and eager to learn more and convert our knowledge into new activities. And we like to tell each other “I love you.”